Letters Home
by PenguinsPenguinsPenguins
Summary: Set post Season 5, Kate didn't accept Rick's proposal but did take the job in D.C.
1. Chapter 1

***A/N: I will update my One Shot series soon, I promise. I didn't want to add this one to it because I've been in a "not so love/fluffy mood the past couple days and I didn't want to taint it. Anyway, here it is.* **

***Disclaimer* Not even a little.***

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**Letters Home**

It's been seven months and I still think about you every second of the day. Everyone keeps telling me that it will get better, that one day the pain of losing you will go away but so far, it hasn't. What do they know anyway? They don't know you like I do. If they did, they would know this kind of pain doesn't go away.

I knew it would hurt Rick, I knew waking up without you next to me would be one of the hardest things I've ever done but I guess I never thought about what it truly meant to be here without you. Every night I lay in bed and wonder if everything in New York reminds you of me like everything in D.C reminds me of you.

I was broken when you found me, I didn't trust my heart with anyone but I gave it to you. It's still yours and it always will be. My heart aches for you. I ache to feel your arms around me, to feel your breath on my neck, even if it means I would have to let you go all over again. You not being here makes it hard for me to breathe sometimes and makes me wonder if you feel the same pain.

I try to avoid going places I know I will hear your name and I never read the latest celebrity gossip section of the paper for fear of seeing your name. It doesn't help. No matter what I do, I can't forget about you. Every cup of coffee, every book I read, and every happy couple I see reminds me of you. You were the only one I ever truly let in, you broke down the wall I worked so hard to build around my heart, and now it feels like my heart is laying in pieces among the rubble of that wall. I don't regret letting you in, even if I wanted to, I could never regret being with you.

I thought drinking would make me forget the pain, even for a little while but it didn't even numb it. If anything drinking made me miss you more. It reminded me of the nights we would go to The Old Haunt with Lanie and the boys after a difficult case and the night you convinced me to play a "new" kind of truth or dare drinking game. More importantly, it reminded me of being wrapped in your arms in front of the fireplace at the loft enjoying a bottle of wine. You always made me feel so safe, like nothing in the world could touch us.

It seems like all I do anymore is think about you. When I hear people talking about you, I want to run away and hide, but I don't because I know not hearing your name at all will hurt worse. I hate feeling this loneliness, this deep coldness in my heart that only you can warm. I know tomorrow will be the same as yesterday and the day before because every day I feel the same emptiness without you.

I have trouble sleeping without you holding me. I used to sleep in your favorite Green Lantern t-shirt I brought with me because it smelled like you. It helped at first, but the scent of you has faded. Even in my dreams I can't escape you. I dream about our first kiss, the first time you told me you loved me, the first time we made love, and our first trip to the Hamptons. I wake up every morning and reach for you only to be reminded by the cold sheets that you aren't there.

I would give anything just to hear you say I love you one more time. I should have said yes Rick. I should have stayed with you, but I can't change the past. I don't expect you to forgive me, you may have even moved on by now and forgotten about me, but I can't forget you. I just need you to know that you're the only one for me and I miss you. You are my one and done.

I love you, Rick. Always.

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So...Reviews?

Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

Thank you for all the reviews! :)

***Disclaimer* Still no.**

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_Oh, you're in my veins  
And I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste  
At night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away  
'Cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins  
And I cannot get you out _

**Chapter 2 **

Before I met you I felt invincible. I never hurt and I never let my feelings control me. I could never forget you Kate, I don't want to. You were the first person I ever let see my true side, ask anyone who knows me. I wanted to tell you the day I decided to base Nikki Heat on you that it wasn't just about the books, but I was scared. My heart was yours from the day I met you but I was so scared to open up to you, afraid that you would break it. It looks like that happened anyway.

I shouldn't have fallen in love with you but I don't regret it. I couldn't stop myself if I had wanted to. How are you so perfect Kate? I don't know what I ever did to deserve you but I also can't figure out what I did to deserve to lose you. You turned my world upside down when you came into it and now it's torn apart without you here. I just want you to come back home.

I didn't cry when you left and I haven't cried since because I feel like that would be admitting to myself that it's really over. I told myself at first that this was just a test and I should go after you and that you would never truly leave me because you still needed me to hold you. I wish I was there holding you now, I wish I could've given you one last kiss before you said goodbye, but most of all I wish our last words to each other hadn't been a fight.

Of course everything in New York reminds me of you, I don't even go to the precinct anymore. I went to the coffee shop every day for weeks and ordered your grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar free vanilla, just to pretend for a few minutes that you were still here. I bought cherry scented candles when the loft stopped smelling like you, but it just isn't the same.

I wish I would have known it would end like this, I wouldn't change anything though. I meant every word I said when I proposed. I didn't propose so you would keep your job at the 12th or because I was afraid I was going to lose you. I proposed because I couldn't imagine my life without you. I don't have to worry about imagining it anymore though because now it's the nightmare I live in. I just want to know why. Why did you not think we could make it work?

How could you even think I had moved on and forgotten about you? I can't imagine being with anyone but you. It's like you told me the night we first made love, I just want you, only you. When you didn't call or text for months I started picturing you with someone else, it horrified me Kate. It hurts like hell every time I think about it.

I still sleep with one of your shirts you left here. I lay it across your pillow every night so I can pretend you're here with me. It doesn't smell like you anymore but it's the only way I can sleep. I dream about us too, every night. I dream about what our wedding would have been like, where we would have gone on our honeymoon, and how happy we would have been.

I had to let you go. I couldn't be the one to stand in the way of your dreams.

I love you too. Always.


	3. Chapter 3

Last chapter guys! I was originally going to make this 4 but I thought it worked better this way. Thanks again to everyone who has read/reviewed! Update to Nightmares, my One Shot Series and We'll Meet again should be coming before the weekend.

***Disclaimer* I do not own, sadly.**

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**Chapter 3 **

Rick stared at his computer screen, every couple of minutes refreshing the Inbox of his email. _It's been almost eight hours since I sent the email, she's had plenty of time to write back. Maybe she changed her mind, maybe I was too harsh, _he thought. He sat his glass of scotch down and pulled out a picture out of his desk drawer of them and ran his fingers gently across her smiling face. They didn't know at the time Lanie had taken a picture of them, her arms wrapped around his neck, both looking at each other as if no one else in the world existed. _What happened to us Kate? We were supposed to be forever. _His thoughts were suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door.

Rick looked at the clock, _almost 2am. Who in the world would come here this late?_ He placed the picture back in the drawer and walked to the door. Before he got the door fully open she was pushing her way in and grabbed him in a bone crushing hug, "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, please." He could feel her tears staining through his shirt but pushed her away regardless.

"This isn't how relationships work Kate," he saw the hurt flash across her face.

"I know, Rick. I'm sorry, I should have told you about the job from the beginning. We should have worked it out together." He closed the door and walked towards the living room.

She followed close behind waiting for him to say something…anything. As he turned to look her she finally got a good look at his face, his eyes, normally full of childlike excitement had been replaced with what she could only describe as defeat. She could tell by the dark circles under them that he hadn't been sleeping either. She was torn from her thoughts when he finally spoke, "Yeah, you should have, but it's not just that Kate. I asked you to marry me and you ran, every emotional bump we hit in our relationship you run and hide instead of fighting for us. Do you not think we're worth it? Do you not think I'm worth it?" His question came out slightly harsher than he intended.

She stepped towards him trying to take his hand but he pulled away, "no Kate. No more, tell me. Are we worth fighting for?"

Her tears started streaming down her face again, "of course we are! Why do you think I flew back here in the middle of the night? Why do you think I wrote you the letter in the first place? I love you Rick and I'll fight every minute of every day I have on this Earth to get you back if that's what it takes."

He stared at her but didn't move. "Please say something," she almost begged. The next thing she knew his lips were on hers, the kiss started slow and gentle but quickly intensified when she wrapped her arms around him, pulling him as close as possible. He pulled back when the need for air became unbearable and stared into her bloodshot eyes, "that's all I needed to hear." He leaned in and placed another brief kiss on her lips before leaning his forehead against hers, "no more running."

"No more running," she agreed.

"I'm still mad," he said pulling her as close as he could.

"I know," she replied snuggling into his chest to inhale the scent of him she had missed so much, "can you just pretend not to be for tonight though?"

He ran his hands up and down her spine and let out a small sigh, "I think I could do that." He pulled away and took her hand leading her upstairs, "I think we could both use some sleep."

Once in the bedroom, he pulled a pair of his boxers and an old t-shirt out of his dresser and handed them to her. She smiled up at him and leaned in for another kiss before heading off to the bathroom. She exited a few minutes later and laid down on her side of the bed. Normally, she would slide to his side and cuddle against his warm body, but tonight she would wait for him to make the next move. After what felt like several minutes he rolled on his side to face her, stretched out his arms, and whispered, "come here."

She smiled at him warmly and moved to wrap her arms around his waist and snuggle her face into his chest, letting his warmth envelop her. "I'll quit and move back home," she mumbled.

"I didn't want you to turn down the job," he sighed, "just sleep. We'll talk about it in the morning."

He felt her smile against his chest, "I love you Rick."

"I love you too Kate, always."

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Reviews? :)


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